The Quest for Love and Self - Part III

[Excerpt from Volume One - Summer 2011]During the time I was married I never had an alcoholic beverage. I never smoked cigarettes or used drugs. I never hung out with my girlfriends. I never went to a party. I rarely went out to dinner or traveled to any exotic locations.  I can count the times we had sex. It was about four times a year. I never sucked dick (although I did before I got married). I never dyed or cut my hair. I never wore a skirt higher than my knees or a low cut shirt. I never cursed. I never did any of those things, not because I didn’t find enjoyment in them but because he had convinced me that a good wife was not supposed to do those things. So I didn’t. I was so glad that I was finally making a decision based on something that I wanted to do and one that in my heart I knew was right. It also happened to be the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. I am often asked if I regret being married. I do not. I am not bitter. Sure, I have some mean and harsh things to say about my Ex and who he was and how he treated me. They are factual. But I have moved on. I learned a lot about myself because of the marriage. If I had not suffered through that experience I may still be naïve and I may have been hurt in worse ways by other people. The isolation and control did benefit me to a certain extent, because I was always a go getter. My mother used to call me fast. And honestly, that’s the only speed that I know – even today. And I could have potentially ended up running the streets and getting into a totally different kind of trouble. My only regret in all of this is that I stayed married for so long while knowing from the beginning that the relationship was hurtful and harmful to me. It was a 10-year-long life lesson that had to be learned.

~Natalie